Over a year ago now, when I was booked in to see my psychologist for my first appointment, just after I’d been diagnosed with post natal depression, I was trying to prepare myself for my meeting with her. I thought I should probably have things ready to talk to her about, to explain why I was there. I think I was afraid that if I didn’t know what to say, I might be turned away. That she might say, ‘Well, if you’ve got nothing else then I guess we’re done here. You’re cured. Be on your way.’ So I created a document titled: What’s wrong with me. I printed it out and took it along with me. I nervously handed it over after we met. ‘This is what I want to talk about’, I said. ‘Goodness’, she replied.

At the end of the first session, during which I cried a lot, she said, ‘I think I’d like to see you again in one week’.

This made me glad.

I don’t think these things any more. Sometimes there are moments, sometimes I start to slide. But mostly now, I can look at this list and I can tear it to shreds and I can smile.

Here it is…

What’s wrong with me.

Obsess too much over things. Like when I lost my glasses.

Lose my temper and sometimes can’t regain control.

Crying.

Tired but I don’t deserve to be.

Lack of motivation.

Lack of energy.

Mean.

I’m a mean mum. I’m probably ruining Maddie’s life.

Scared.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Trying to lose weight.

Bad time management.

Can’t get out of the house before ten to get Maddie to preschool. They must look at me and think what’s wrong with her, she’s only got two kids – how hard can it be to get her here on time? And then when my mum or steve’s mum picks her up sometimes in the afternoon they probably think I’m just spoilt.

If people found out I have post natal depression they would probably say ‘oh for goodness sake, what does she have to be depressed about?’

I’m probably just exaggerating, being over-dramatic. I probably answered those questions on that form wrong, there’s probably nothing wrong with me but LAZINESS and that I’m just a bad mum.

Lonely.

Lonely, lonely, lonely.

Paranoid.

Stressed.

My feet are cold.

That last one was just a joke. You know, to lighten the situation.

Jealous.