Hey there Telstra, our Internet’s down. What gives buddy, any faults at your end?

Sorry to hear that sir. No we don’t have any faults at our end. Hmm, try unplugging this. Check that. Which lights are flashing? Still not working? Okay, we’ll send out a technician tomorrow to check the problem.

How efficient! How lovely. Sounds good, thank you, great.

2 hours later.

Hey! This is Telstra. We’ve cancelled the technician, there’s no need! Turns out it’s a fault at our end. It’ll be all fixed tomorrow at 3pm.

Really? Even better, sounds great!

Tomorrow, after 3pm.

Hey there Telstra, our Internet’s still down. What gives?

Oh, it’s not all fixed? You’re sure? Let’s make sure. Turn off your modem. Unplug it. Wait fifteen minutes. Turn clockwise three times. Quack loudly. Still not working? Okay, we’ll send out a technician. But it will have to be next week now, because LOLs!

Next week.

Hi, I’m your technician. Are you sure it’s not your modem? Let’s check  your modem. Huh. It’s not your modem. Oh look, someone cut the cable in the pit out the front. I can’t fix that. Someone else will fix it within 48 hours.

48 hours later.

Hey there Telstra. Our Internet’s still down. What gives?

Really? No internet eh? Did you try unplugging your modem?

Ha! You’re hilarious. We need someone to fix it. When will it be fixed?

Great question! But I have no idea. We can’t call the service department; we don’t have a number for them. They’re wizards. We’re not allowed to call them.

Okay, I think I need to speak with someone higher up.

Sure. You can speak with the complaints department. But I can’t transfer you. Because I’m in 1950 and they’re in 1975. So it won’t connect. They’ll call you. They’ll be in touch within 48 hours.

48 hours. 48 HOURS? Can I complain about the complaints department?

Ha. Good one sir.

48 hours later.

Good morning, this is Telstra. What’s up?

Our Internet is still down. A technician came and couldn’t fix it. There’s supposed to be another technician coming – one who can fix it. When are they coming?

I don’t know, you’ll need to be assigned a case manager. That will take up to 24 hours.

Are you kidding me right now?

Not that I’m aware of.

That afternoon.

Oh hey! There’s a Telstra van outside. Hi! You must be the level 2 technician. Awesome! I’m sorry I ever doubted you Telstra. Horray, horray, Internet will be back today!

Nope. I’m level 1. Your neighbour called me. Oh look, it’s a cut line, I can’t fix that. Lol.

The next day.

Look! There’s another technician out the front. This MUST be the one who can fix it.

Nah. Your other neighbour called me. There are three houses in a row all out. Hey look at this. Someone cut the line here. I can’t fix that. I’ll call it in. LOLZ.

The next day.

Hi, I’m Edward, your complaints case manager. So what’s the dealio? Oh, you sound a bit cross. Chin up mate. I’m sending out a level 2 technician tomorrow.

Really? You mean it? You’re not playing with me? There’s someone coming tomorrow? Someone who can actually fix a cut line. For reals??

For suresville baby doll. Cross my heart.

Tomorrow.

Hi, I’m from Telstra, what seems to be the problem? Oh look! Check this out! Someone actually CUT the line. Like, with a hacksaw. Wowzers. Got any enemies?

Ha! Nope, no enemies. So, you can fit it, right?

Nah. You need a lines technician.

But that’s what you’re supposed to be.

Yeah, you need a line engineer. A lines technician engineer. A network line technician engineer magician with laser beam eyes and the ability to levitate. They’ll have to shut down the street. You need level three. Level up mate, level up.

How soon can we get a level three person?

Oh they don’t work weekends. Next week mate.

Next week.

Hey Telstra, my Internet’s still down. Can I speak with Edward, my case manager?

Edward? We don’t have an Edward. There’s no Edward in this department.

But I spoke with Edward on Friday.

No you didn’t. You didn’t speak to anyone on Friday.

Yes I did.

Let me check the notes. Nope. You didn’t call us on Friday.

YESIMOTHERFUCKINGDID!

Hmmmm. Let’s see if we can assign you a case manger. Let me just put you on hold for a minute.

Fifteen minutes later.

Oh look. You did speak to someone on Friday, I just couldn’t understand the notes because they were too technical. Okay, I’m still trying to assign you a case manager. Let me just put you on hold again.

Could you call me back instead?

Nope. This is an inbound call centre. I can’t make calls. It’s like I’m in prison. Let me just put you on hold.

Hold music.
Recorded message – Thank you for calling Telstra, please tell me the reason for your call.

AREYOUMOTHEFUCKINGKIDDINGME?

Two hours later.

Hi there. I’m your new case manager. What’s up?

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.

I see. Okay, so it looks like there needs to be an investigation. Did you know that someone actually CUT the line in your street? Oh look. Three other houses in your street have been calling us too. Funny. They all got technicians out too. Totes hilaire. It’s been raised to level 4. I can’t see what’s going on though, because that’s another department. They’re ninjas. We’re not allowed to make eye contact with them.

Okay cool. Ninjas sound great. So when will our Internet be fixed?

No idea.

Lol. This has been awesome. I’m having so much fun. Telstra is the best. I’m recommending you guys to all my friends. I want to marry Telstra and have little Telstra babies. Yayz. We’re never getting the Internet back, are we?

No sir. It does seem unlikely.

Cool.

Would you mind holding for a customer survey?

Love to.