This year MasterChef kicked things up a gear with a pink and blue themed version of the show, which I can only assume meant they were hosting a gender reveal baby shower during the first episode.

I know none of the contestant’s names, so henceforth I shall call all of the men Rick and all of the women Jan. In the first few episodes, the Ricks are given tea towels to toss over one shoulder and sausages to grill on BBQs. The Jans are given floral aprons and cupcakes to decorate. This comes to a head when one of the male contestants stabs Gary in the eye with a BBQ fork screaming, “I could make Tarte Tartin with my eyes closed, why won’t you let us cook something other than sausages?”

This gives the producers an idea, and while Gary cradles his eye in one of Matt’s cravats, the producers set to work planning a bizarre blackout challenge for later on in the series. As Rick is led out of the MasterChef kitchen, the remaining Ricks hang their heads in solidarity and rotate their sausages as one. A Jan whispers across the top of her cupcake to the camera, “Do you think Rick is single, I like a man who can make a good Tarte Tartin.”

The next week, the contestants are flown to a vineyard in France. Although, then again, no one is speaking French, so could be they’re actually in Adelaide. A Hunger Games style challenge ensues and the contestants are released into the vineyards to hunt and kill wild boars. Or perhaps the carcass that turns up on the stainless steel bench is simply delivered from a butcher shop; it’s hard to say. The contestants then take part in a relay challenge, which involves delivering instructions to one another only in Pig Latin. A Rick is eliminated. And then another. A Jan is found in a corner stabbing a special MasterChef edition pink chef barbie doll with voodoo pins. This is to commemorate the end of the battle of the sexes section of the series.

In the third week, several small children infiltrate the MasterChef studio. After ensuring the judges are incapacitated, they set about torturing the contestants by forcing them to cook Brussels sprouts and liver. Eventually though, George breaks free and subdues the children. In retaliation, he makes the children eat anchovies. It’s okay though, because there are chips on the side.

We move on to the blackout challenge, carefully timed by the producers to tie in with their electricity being cut off due to unpaid bills. Gary sits down for a heart-to-heart with a Rick. Rick explains that he has always been scared of the dark and doesn’t want to enter the pantry. Gary gently encourages Rick to weep for the camera. A Jan whispers to another Jan, “Do you think Rick is single? I like a man who can cry on National television.”*

*The events portrayed throughout this review may actually be wildly inaccurate.