Once upon a time, unless you had a fairly amicable break up – contact with your ex was forever lost once the relationship ended. Social media has changed that. I’m ‘friends’ with at least seven ex-boyfriends on Facebook, some of which, I really have no idea how it is I came to be friends with them – I think it comes down to my desire to never offend anyone by declining a friend request. Strange. Every now and then – when I see one of their names pop up in my news feed, I find myself thinking about all of the things I’d like to say to them – but that I never will, because, well – I’m not brave enough.

Which leads me to this letter. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the jerks). You may notice a theme in the choice of fake names.

Dear Obi,
You know how Barney on How I Met Your Mother sometimes uses those backhanded compliments to pick up a girl, while simultaneously making her feel vulnerable? That’s what you did with me. You told me you liked my curly hair – then added that I looked like Ronald MacDonald. You criticised my sneakers in the same sentence as you complimented my clothes. Dude, I was fifteen. Life was confusing enough as it was without you messing with my head.

Dear Yoda,
We dated a long, long time ago – so my memory of this is a bit hazy – but I think, possibly, maybe… I might have broken up with you the same night that you gave me 10 long stemmed roses. Sorry – not the best timing. You got back at me though – by sitting in the middle of the road and screaming that I’d ruined your life and you were going to wait for a car to run you down. Kudos. Luckily I started hyperventilating (I was very good as a teenager at making everything about me) and so you came back off the road to offer me your asthma puffer. You were a sweet guy really, I hope you found someone much, much nicer than me.

Dear Darth Vader,
There is a reason I chose Darth for you. It’s because you have a very deep voice. No, kidding. It’s because you treated me like crap. Looking back at our time together, I want to go back and slap myself. Why was I so naïve? I was upfront with you – I told you that I liked you, I asked you out. In response you flirted with me, you led me on, you slept with me – and then you  confused me by refusing to hold my hand in public. You know what that does to a person’s self esteem? I remember the first time the next guy that I dated put his arm around me in front of his flatmate – I went to move away – because you’d made me think that wasn’t normal. Thanks for that. You’re a dick.

Dear C3P0,
It totally makes sense now that you’re actually gay.

Dear Chewbacca,
What I did to you was awful. I dumped you. Then I changed my mind, called you, begged you to take me back, and then, two days later – realised I was right the first time, and dumped you again. Mean. So very, very mean. I really am sorry about that – but I guess the fact that you sent me a friend request on Facebook many years later means you got over it – thanks for the (assumed) forgiveness.

Dear Skywalker,
How’s that compulsive lying thing working out for you these days?

Dear Steve, I mean, umm, Harrison Ford, I mean, Han Solo…
Remember when we broke up that time after we came home from backpacking around Europe? Well, thank God you were only my ex for 48 hours. Thank God we then got back together, stayed together, got married and had two beautiful children.

Thanks for being ‘The One’.