It was some time after midnight when the taxi driver flicked on his indicator and veered off the motorway to pull into a dark spot on the side of the road. The moment it happened I realised my mistake. I saw what I’d got myself into and I knew that I was in trouble. As he put his hand on the back of my head and tried to pull my face towards his lap, I started thinking fast. How do I tell him no? How do I tell him I don’t want this? How do I get out of this safely?

But the truth is, this wasn’t the first time I’d found myself in a situation like this.

Several months ago, when my psychologist first said the words: I’ve been thinking for a while that you might have ADHD; I was completely blindsided. I’d honestly never considered it, and my initial reaction was strong doubt. I will admit I had a very narrow view of ADHD. I related it to the kids in school who were hyperactive and disruptive. That wasn’t me. I did well enough in school and it was rare for me to get into trouble.

My psychologist explained that there was quite a bit more to ADHD than the stereotypical view most people had. She also explained that it can look quite different in females, and it’s often missed until later in life. She’d been treating me for depression and anxiety on and off for over ten years so I figured it was worth at least exploring further – although I was certain it would be wrong.

I started by researching ADHD and was taken aback to see myself in many of the symptoms… but it was still hard to believe. The entire thing just felt so… unlikely. I put off doing anything about it until a month later when my psychologist gently suggested that she ask me some screening questions. I scored quite high, enough to push me to take the next steps, despite the persistent doubts.

The first GP brushed me off after only one or two questions. ‘Did you struggle in school?’ ‘Have you noticed times when you’ve felt hyperactive and couldn’t settle down?’ She didn’t want to refer me to a psychiatrist. Instead, she wanted me to switch my anti-depressants. She gave me a script and sent me on my way. I left her office feeling confused and unheard and embarrassed.

I looked at the script in my hand and burst into tears. The idea of changing my meds again scared me. I knew how hard the changeover period could be. I knew my depression had been worse lately and that something had to change, but I wasn’t convinced this was the answer. I made another appointment to see a different GP.

This time he listened. He asked more questions. I was given a referral for a psychiatrist and some strategies to determine whether my current antidepressants had stopped working. It still took several months and phone calls and dead ends to even get an appointment. But eventually, many months after my psychologist had first brought up the idea of ADHD, I got an appointment.

I was terrified walking into his office. I was still convinced I would be told that all of this was nonsense, that I was wasting everyone’s time. The appointment was two hours and he put me at ease as he chatted with me about my life, my background, my childhood, my career, my family.

Eventually I had my answer: I think it’s highly likely that you have ADHD.

He wanted to try me on a whole new treatment plan. I left feeling mixed emotions. Optimistic that maybe this was going to change everything for me; terrified that it wouldn’t work. It was strange, I’d now had three different medical professionals put me on this pathway, but for some reason, I was still doubtful.

It wasn’t until I really started to think back over my life through the lens of ADHD that it really started to click. Particularly when I started to learn more of the lesser-known signs:

People with ADHD can be impulsive.

People with ADHD can be risk-takers.

And one that really jumped out at me:

People with ADHD may exhibit hypersexuality.

More and more memories came to the surface including… the taxi incident I mentioned earlier. First, I know what it sounds like when I say things like: “I saw what I’d got myself into” and “I realised my mistake.” It sounds like I’m victim blaming, doesn’t it? And I want to be clear, I would never put the blame on a woman who is sexually assaulted. But I also want to be honest; because I did cause this to happen. I sent him the signals to make him think it was okay to pull over. I flirted with him beyond the innocent banter. Not because I wanted anything to happen, I didn’t. I wasn’t attracted to him, and I didn’t want to engage in any kind of sexual acts with him.

No, the reason I did these things was because I acted on impulse without thinking through the consequences. I’d just been abandoned in the city by some friends and I felt ashamed and lonely and embarrassed. I wanted to make myself feel better and I wanted to feel attractive, but I wanted these things to happen without any cost. Thankfully, in that particular situation, I ended up talking my way out of it.

When I read up about hypersexuality, I found out that it can often cause relationship problems because of a tendency to “engage in risky sexual practices due to problems with impulsivity.” I felt a rush of understanding and relief. Countless decisions I’ve made over the years suddenly made so much more sense. Not just the taxi story, but several other incidents that… umm… you probably don’t want or need to hear about. Just know that if one day some… interesting photos of me appear on the internet, that’s my bad.

I know it might sound like I’m looking for an excuse for my own reckless behaviour. A way to write off every poor decision. But that’s not what I’m doing here either. Rather, I’m learning to understand that some of the choices that I’ve made over the years might have been related to the way my brain works. To be clear, I’m not saying that every neurodiverse person makes bad choices or gets themselves into risky situations. Impulse control and risk taking are just some of the potential signs of ADHD. But when I look back over my life, I see time after time when I acted on impulse or took risks. From minor things like booking trips, impulse shopping and MANY drastic haircuts to the more self-destructive acts of taking drugs, sleeping with strangers and ruining friendships or relationships by making poor choices.

I think back to the time I took a butcher’s knife to high school as a drama prop without it even crossing my mind that it might be unwise. Or the time I punched a boy in the face in the middle of a class or smashed a mirror in the school bathroom or walked bare foot across a pile of broken glass. Maybe some of that was simply teenage angst, but then again maybe something else was at play.

I think back to being seventeen, in Queensland and going into the home of a 26-year-old man I’d just met, without telling anyone where I am or who I’m with. I remember sitting on his couch while he disappeared out of the room and it suddenly occurring to me that I could be in serious danger.

I remember driving recklessly and speeding (and yes, sometimes I do still need to be reminded to ease off the accelerator), I remember getting a tattoo quite literally on the spur of the moment (and nope, I wasn’t drunk). I remember stupidly letting my friend without a license drive my car, which she crashed and then I made a spur of the moment decision to cover for her and pretend I was the driver, which almost lost me my licence.

And then I look beyond impulse control and taking risks. I look at other parts of my life.

People with ADHD can have trouble staying organised.

I’ve always considered myself to be an organised person. But that’s not because it came naturally to me. It’s because I kept obsessive lists and plans due to my fear of letting someone down. I’ve been through countless planning and calendar and to-do list apps, trying to find the magical solution to make my life easier. From Trello to Asana to Excel spreadsheets. There are endless notes on my phone with different lists where I’ve frantically jotted something down because I didn’t want to forget it.

At one stage I had a complicated system with a combination of a physical calendar hanging in the kitchen, a white board with the days of the week, another white board for a to-do list, an online calendar and an online to-do list. I would constantly transcribe tasks and appointments from one place to another, convinced that if I didn’t have things written down in multiple places, something would slip through the cracks.

When it came to sitting down at my computer to do some actual work, I had an internet checklist of sites I needed to visit that I had to tick off before I could even consider starting anything. And keep in mind, this one might be more related to OCD than ADHD, but I think it kind of crosses the divide between both. It involved checking every social media account, every bank account and credit card, every email address, plus Amazon and Goodreads for new book reviews.

The frustrating part of this process was that if I got up from my computer and walked away, when I came back, I would have to start all over again. I had a compulsion to tick this list off every single time I sat down in front of my screen. Knowing I’d already checked it didn’t mean I could stop. Sometimes it just meant I could go through the motions a little faster – chanting through the list as I went like it was a mantra.

Early last year when we started looking at moving house, realestate.com was added to my daily list. We sold and bought 8 months ago, yet I still haven’t been able to remove it from my list. I tell myself it’s because I’m just interested in the market, but I know it’s because it’s part of a compulsive need to mark it off and I don’t know how to stop. And to be fair, it’s also an excellent procrastination technique when I’m struggling to write.

Speaking of moving house, did I mention that I’ve moved eight times in the last fifteen years? I know some people might not think that’s a high number, but many of these moves were quite literally on a whim because I was bored and ready for a change. Buying and selling a house because you’re bored can be a pretty costly way to keep life interesting.

Another thing I struggled to settle on was a job. While I was still at school I bounced between part-time jobs at Maccas, a hardware store, a pizza restaurant and a kids play centre – perhaps not that unusual to move around a bit as a teen. But then after leaving school, I was accepted into business college (after sitting the scholarship exam on the spur of the moment), then changed my mind the night before the first day of college and instead went through at least fourteen jobs in ten years. I did everything from waitressing at a theatre restaurant to selling home security systems door-to-door, to marketing for an IT company, customer service for a window company, retail, kitchen sales, advertising, tele sales, admin, reception, running my own hamper business and teaching swimming before finally deciding to go to university to study teaching and then switching my degree halfway through to a writing major. I think perhaps the reason I’ve since been able to stick to writing is because it has enough variety to keep me on my toes.

Then there’s the other side of ADHD.

People with ADHD may have the ability to hyper focus.

When I first read about hyper focus, I was a bit thrown. Everything I knew about ADHD told me it was about being distracted and unable to focus. Now I was finding out you could have the exact opposite symptom. And while it seemed like the idea of being able to focus on something might be useful, I quickly realised that it’s not especially helpful when you focus in on the wrong priority.

For example, when I’m in the middle of writing, I pause to file away a piece of paperwork and as I’m putting it away, I notice that something is in the wrong place. So I move it. Then I notice that something else is out of date and needs to be shredded. Next thing I’m on the floor in front of the filing cabinet, completely cleaning out and reorganising every single file with complete and utter focus and concentration. I mean, sure, it’s great to get it done, but it really didn’t need to be done just then. I can also sit for hours working on a 1,000 piece puzzle long after the rest of the family has walked away from it when yet again, I really should be doing other things.

Other times though, I’ll leave half-finished projects and tasks all through the house because when I was about to put on a load of washing, I noticed the cat’s bowl needed to be cleaned, so I took it to the kitchen where I noticed the bench needed to be wiped down, but while cleaning the bench I moved a vase of flowers, which really needed to be emptied out and then when I took the old flowers outside to the green bin I start pulling out weeds from the garden and so on and on until nothing it actually completed, but everything is half-done.

But then some days, I don’t even start one single thing. On those days, I have very good intentions. I try to get organised, and I make a list of everything I need to get done. But then I look at the list and I start to panic. I stare at it, trying to figure out which one I should do first, which one is the most important. But I can’t make up my mind and I agonise over the right choice and eventually, I give up and do nothing. I don’t complete a single task on the list because I just. Can’t. Start.

Here are a few other personality traits I’ve learned may well be related to my neurodiverse brain: I’m excellent at interrupting my husband when he’s telling a story to our friends because I can’t handle waiting for him to get to the end, so I suddenly blurt out the most important part. I’m great at double-screening while we watch TV so every now and again I have to look up and say “wait, can you rewind that bit, I missed it”, I think my husband really enjoys that. I HATE waiting in lines (and okay, I know no one really likes waiting in a queue, but I get nervous and anxious). I have severe misophonia (the sound of people chewing makes me especially murderous). I’m sometimes sensitive to touch (another fun thing for my husband is having to warn me that he’s coming in for a hug). If I’m trying to listen to someone and there are other conversations going on around me, I’ll sometimes start zoning in on the wrong voice. I’m also susceptible to overeating and have had problems with binge drinking.

And finally, there’s the noise. The chaos inside my head. At any one point, there can be two songs playing simultaneously in my brain while I’m also thinking about the plot of a TV show I watched the other night and analysing the conversation I had with a friend earlier that day. All layered one on top of the other. This is usually at its worst when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. That’s when it really gets loud and can sometimes feature a small figure just wandering around in circles saying, “LA LA LA” and bashing cymbals together.

Unfortunately, the road to finding the right treatment plan has been rocky to say the least. Every medication that didn’t work (and by the way “didn’t work” translates to a self-inflicted black eye, many dark, dark thoughts and finding myself very much on the edge) sent me back to square one, making me doubt the entire diagnosis again and conclude that I must be an imposter in the world of neurodiversity.

The good news? Six months down the track, I think (desperately hope), I might have finally found the right balance of antidepressants and stimulants thanks to the persistence of my psychologist, my psychiatrist, and my GP. So, while things aren’t absolutely perfect, I’ve come a long way.

And even better, thanks to this late-in-life diagnosis, I finally feel like maybe at the age of forty, I’m figuring out who I am for the first time in my life.

 

 

Below are a few of the websites that helped in my research on ADHD…

 

https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/adult-adhd-sex-life#symptoms

https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/adhd-in-women#symptoms-and-types

https://www.additudemag.com/understanding-adhd-hyperfocus/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350878

https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/resources/dual-diagnosis/alcohol-and-adhd/

https://totallyadd.com/4-odd-things-freak-adhd-brain/

https://www.additudemag.com/hypersensitivity-triggers-adhd-brain/

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/adhd-and-ocd

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